THE HOME STRETCH
As of today, you’re just over two pounds. Doctors say that if something happened and you were to be delivered, they may be able to save you. You’re getting stronger. You have hair now. You can see light, and hear distinctive sounds. They say that all this prepares you to not be scared to death when you enter the world.
What prepares me from being scared to death when you enter this world?
The concept of “future” has always been understandably vague to me. It comes. So what? I live in the present. I enjoy life. Why worry about tomorrow? Well…things change, I guess. You changed them. My future right now only goes to December when you arrive. I’ve read so many books. I know how you develop. I know the science. I know that humans develop ass first. I know that it explains a lot about the human race.
But, once you’re finished developing, what happens then? How will you feel about me? I’ve seen parents and children who don’t like each other. I have seen families torn apart over petty things. I write these words now so that at some time in the future, regardless of our relationship, you can read how I feel. I know that these feeling won’t ever change. But, I am not a Great Communicator. I may never be able to say the words that sit on my heart. But at least you’ll be able to read them.
You‘ve become my focus. You‘ve become my future. My past is filled with indiscretions and failure. My future is already guaranteed to be a success. You have made it so. I am beholden to you now. In the past, I answered to no one and apologized for nothing. Now, I’m worried I won’t get the right size diapers.
I’m ready for this. I’m ready for you. I can’t wait to show you the world or at least my small part of it.
I can feel you move now. Small taps from inside your mother’s abdomen. Perhaps it’s some sort of fetal Morse Code. Lying there, with my hand on your mother’s rapidly expanding belly, it drives home everything that’s happening. I’m going to be a father. I already am. And, I’m just starting to realize what all good fathers realize: I can’t protect you from everything. God knows I want to. I want you to see all the best the world has to offer and shelter you from all the worst. I want you to love, be loved, enjoy everything and be happy, without having to see hate or be hated or be unhappy. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. It’s that hate that allows you to love. It’s that unhappiness that shows you how great happiness feels. I feel it now on a level I didn’t think was possible. You will too.
So, we’ve entered the stretch run-- The Third Trimester. If this were a baseball game, it would be the seventh inning. But the outcome of this game has never been in doubt. I have already won.
My parents were younger than I am when I was born, and I was the second child. They showed me the benefits of placing family over the individual. They made me who I am today, and I will do the same for you. We are a family. And the love that flows freely between your mother and I will flow from us to you. It already does.
I’m not sure what the future is going to bring. I don’t know what you are going to need to be the incredible person that I already believe you are. I know that I will do everything in my power to give it to you. It’s you that dominates my thoughts these days, and I don’t expect that to change. I will always be there for you. I am here now. I have such wonderful things to show you.
I’m just a regular guy, and I’m obviously making this up as I go along. But I know this for sure…I love you. Please be safe. Please be healthy. Please be happy. And please, do these things for your entire life.
9-8-04
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