BigHig

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody

2009-11-27T06:43:00.003-06:00

I'm thankful. Thankful for my life, my love and my health. Have a great season, everybody.

Thankful:

Double Improv Weekend.

2009-08-19T13:55:00.003-05:00

Homey on Friday PrimeTime
THEMS gets a stowaway at 10:30

It'll be good to be back. I missed it, and my creative cauldron is bubbling over. Time to pour some out.
Of course I miss the improv, but what hurts the most is the people I don't see nearly enough. Improvisers are the most insane, childish, self-loathing, creative, wonderful, lazy, nerdy people in the world, and I love them. See you on Friday.

Suspension of Disbelief

2009-08-18T07:18:00.003-05:00

For everyone who is clamoring for a resolution to the Facebook conundrum, here's what happened...

I actually signed up an account, went to my 20th reunion Facebook page, took the details and left. Never to return. I've since gotten 150 friend requests that I've ignored. Not because I don't like anyone, but because I don't like Facebook. I just don't have the time.

But, something interesting did come out of this. I reconnected with a person from Way Back. A girl. A first love, or at least first crush.

I was apprehensive to resume contact to say the least. To be completely honest, all of my happiness and successes have been a direct result of meeting my wife, so I'm not interested in anything that would jeopardize that. But, the impact of a girl from your past telling you that you're her greatest mistake is great for the ego.

My wife, of course, it totally cool with the whole thing. She busts my balls everyday anyway, so this is just fuel to the fire. It's why I love her.

So...to go to the reunion or not, that is the question.

On one hand, I loved my 10 year reunion. But we were all young and willing to party. And party we did. It was...interesting to say the least. It was like Less than Zero, and I was Robert Downey Jr.

Now, the plan is to go to Mass(catholic school reunion) and a possible picnic with kids and spouses. Not exactly my ideal weekend. In fact, it sounds like a snoozer.

Viva La Revolution

2009-08-03T08:07:00.004-05:00

It's August now. Another short summer.

Interesting things afoot. I was just contacted by an old friend from Grammar School regarding a 20(ish, we passed it a bit ago) year reunion. The reunion itself is no big deal. I'm comfortable enough with my life, wife, money and status that it's not very stressful to me. What is much more fascinating to me is how they came to find me.

Facebook. Which I am most definitely not on.

Friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my sister, who obviously knows my info.

Listen... I'm not hiding from anyone. As a matter of fact, the girl who originally wanted to find me grew up a block from my house now. The girl who finally found my sister...I saw her mom 2 weeks ago.

I'm back home everyone!!! If you can't find me, it's your own damn fault. I'm a believer in the fact that I kept in contact with everyone that mattered to me. If you don't have my info, it's probably for a reason.

Now I'm forced to decide whether or not to continue the blissful ignorance of a facebook free lifestyle, or sign up and be inundated with useless knowledge of people's whereabouts.

Here's Grace at her Ballet recital. It's cute and disturbing at the same time.

Here's Jack in his native environment.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-18T07:15:00.004-05:00

Father's Day. A contrived holiday, but I'll take it. This is my 4th. Until this year, I've never planned anything for Father's Day. Content to stay at home all day with Grace and Jack, I've never felt the need to go fishing, or to the nudie bar, or off to a baseball game or anything. I treat Father's day as a family day. I am a nerd.

But...

NOT THIS YEAR, Suckas!

My wife, the love of my life, mother of my kids, and all around kick-ass human, has given me 2 gifts this year.

1.
Wilson Ci7 Irons. Golf Digests 2008 #1 rated irons. Unlikely to help my game in any way, but pretty as hell. I can no longer blame inferior equipment.

Even more wonderful...

Full disclosure: I'm a hippy. A true blue, dreadlocked, mud covered, smelly, wookie trapped in the body of a nubile yet aging, middle class, fat white guy. My wife knows this fact about me. And is generously sending me across the midwest to follow the band that started it all for me.

Keep on keepin on, and I'll see you down the road.

Coming out of it.

2009-04-21T04:08:00.007-05:00

My tulips are budding, so it must be spring. Currently raining and 38 degrees. Gonna drop some pics from our Easter trip to Colorado Springs:

From Garden of the Gods:

Pike's Peak Zoo:

Last but not least, Grace being Grace:

The bra belongs to the Mother-in-Law. I don't know how many husbands read this blog, but here's a friendly word of advice...Try not to ever see your in-law's giant bra. It leaves scars that don't easily heal.

Anatomy 101

2009-02-04T07:18:00.002-06:00

Well, as is typical in the Higgins household, Late Jan/Early Feb is more about hunkering down and riding out the winter than anything else. The days of snowmen, snow forts, and snowball fights has given way to indoor activities like Wii's Enchanted Princesses.

But, one thing of note happened during yesterday's bath time. My wife wondered why Jack's balls were so saggy. So I got to invoke the "Do your balls hang low, do they wobble to and fro" nursery rhyme. So that was nice.

Yes, my son has old man balls.

Round and Round

2009-01-13T07:32:00.002-06:00

I've found that parenting is cyclical. One day, your boy's struggle to put on his mittens is hilarious and beautiful. The next day, you just want him to PUT HIS F'IN GLOVES ON ALREADY. WTF?

When your daughter tells you about her day in school, it usually takes longer than the school day itself. But that's ok because most of the time, it's just a joy to hear your cherubic child taking a real interest in her daily activities, and it's wonderful to hear her try to verbalize her day. Other days you just want her to EAT YOUR GDAMN PEAS, YOU NEED TO GET TO BED AND YOU STILL NEED A BATH!!

The real key to parenting, I'm finding out, is to keep a straight face. Good and bad days come and go, so you can't sweat the small stuff. They're just kids after all, and sometimes they do childish things.

Goddamn it's cold

2008-12-22T07:13:00.002-06:00

Wow. Really cold out there. I kinda like it though. It makes me enjoy summer. And let be honest, with my extra layer of blubber, I'm uniquely qualified to spend my time in sub zero weather. I'm like a harp seal without all the clubbing.

Xmas is upon us. We had a family party on Saturday. Jack got a bunch of trucks, Grace got a Barbie Cruise Boat. Talk about re-enforcing stereotypes. It's a fun time at the old Higgins household, so I can't complain.

My basement is finally completed. Sump pump, DryWall, painted and carpeted(EMPIRE!!). Looks great, and I reclaim some of my living space. Good times all around.

10 Days til Breckenridge. No Kids!

*not actually me.

Happy Tuesday

2008-12-02T07:20:00.003-06:00

So, the holiday went well, as always.

Thanksgiving is easily my favorite holiday. All the food and family you can handle, but no gifts or roasting chestnuts.

It also helps that my Wife's family is completely out of town, so we only have 1 responsibility on Thanksgiving. We are only responsible to our lower GI.

Actually played football on thursday, so I tested the Achilles, it responded well, so I'm on the road to playing a dominant third base like I've been doing for the past 15 years.

It's Grace's birthday on Thursday. 4 years old. So I built this last night:

Twitter Nation

2008-11-13T06:57:00.002-06:00

Ok...I signed up for Twitter so that I could get text message updates about Da Bears. Which is great. I get updates right from Halas Hall about who's practicing, who's not. Who looks good, who doesn't.

Then after a while, I get a note saying so-and-so is following me on Twitter, no big deal.

But, I don't actually send anything out. But maybe I want to. I assume I can text from my phone, right? Or do I have to do it online from my computer? That would hurt, because most of my inspiration comes while looking at mullets on the train.

Action packed weekend

2008-11-10T11:16:00.002-06:00

So...I ran for 8min last thursday. The ankle felt fine, the fat ass did not. But, I'm back. The pain in my heart, lungs, back and legs is a good pain. The ankle gives me no problem.

Jack is also beginning to develop the superior sense of humor that was genetically transferred to him from his extremely hilarious parents.

His newest thing is pointing to someone and calling them by an obviously wrong name, laughing and saying: "Nooooo"

Example: Pointing at me, saying "Mama, heeheehee, NOOOOO!!"

He also thinks one of the most hilarious things in the world is when I throw a beach ball at him and it bounces off his giant head. He'll actually fall on the floor from laughing when that happens. AFV here we come.

So, the recap of my weekend:

Me chucking things at my son's head.

The End of an ERA

2008-11-06T07:29:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, exactly 149 days since that fateful spring evening in Mayfair Park, I was finally cleared to resume all activities.

In short, I can run again. The doc says to expect it to be another year before I feel 100% but as of now, I'm not at risk to re-rupture the Achilles.

Outside of some genuinely beautiful moments, this was the worst summer of my life. But now it's over. I recommend that if anyone gets injured in the future, consider tearing an ACL or breaking some ribs rather than going for the Achilles.

Now I can keep up with this dude...

Disney updates part II

2008-10-20T14:28:00.003-05:00

Couple pics just came in...Hot off the iPhone presses...

She shows uncharacteristic patience. This is serious business.

The finished product(she's the Genie from Alladin). Kinda creepy, but she's obviously super-pumped.

Meanwhile, back on the home front, Jack pooped. TWICE!!

Disney updates

2008-10-20T10:30:00.005-05:00

The ladies are having a grand old time in the nation's tourist capital.

Couple pics:

Grace enters the park, stands with only her face in the sun, and squints like she's having a stroke:
A more representative pic of my favorite girl in the whole world:

Meanwhile, Jack and I languish at home amid a flurry of wrestling, tickling and eating meat. No Veggies for us men!

Surprises

2008-10-14T07:03:00.003-05:00

I have to say, even though I'm not involved at all, my wife is doing one of the awesomest things of all time this weekend.

She's surprising Grace on Saturday Morning with a trip to...Disney World.

My wife and I have known about it for awhile obviously, but Grace has no idea. She's almost 4, but this has been her life long goal.

Last night, when she was going to bed, I asked Grace what she wanted more than anything in the world, and she said: "To see Disney World" then she got a little sad and said: "but you have to be 5 to go there."

HeeHee. She's going to poop herself.

While all that's happening, I get to spend the weekend with this guy:

Jack's newest thing is that if he wants to sit next to me on the couch, will walk up and say "Sit with the Dude?". It comes out more "sihwdoooo?" but I know what he means.

And yes, Jack, you can always sit with the Dude.

Halloween

2008-10-02T07:18:00.007-05:00

Not sure what year this is from...Somewhere near the turn of the century, I guess(that sounds weird) maybe even earlier.

I have no idea what costume Juan is wearing. Beastmaster? Braveheart? ANd why the fuck would I be eating an apple?

Anyway, it's always nice to find lost gems like this from pre-digital camera days.

Run DMV

2008-09-25T07:37:00.003-05:00

So...I moved last year. I needed to change my voter registration and address on the old Driver's License. A prick cop told me a few months ago that you only have 10 days to change your DL address, and he was actually doing me a favor by writing me a $100 ticket instead of calling in the state troopers to haul me in. Evidently, bogus DL address is a state offense yo.

So, Tuesday became my getshitdone day, since I was already off work for rehab and a doc appt at Northwestern.

My day started with a choice, and whenever that happens, I invariably choose wrong.

My choice: go to the DMV by my house, or the one on the way back from Northwestern?

Well, I don't know what the one by my house is like, but the one on Laramie and the Eisenhower is being remodeled. So, I sat in a party tent, setup in a parking lot, with 350 of my closest friends while waiting for my License.

But the wait was well worth it. Check this out yo:

The blog jinx strikes again.

2008-09-16T12:45:00.005-05:00

The blog jinx: Name the demon and invoke that demon.

I poked some fun at Hurricane Ike forcing me to work on Sunday. His buddy, Gustav, decided revenge was in order.

Now I have no carpeting or drywall in my basement. You can say Gustav game me "a full 6 inches". Or maybe "he let his juices run all over my basement".

Regardless, he flooded my house.

So I spent Sunday working, and pumping, and working and pumping. I then spent Monday paying. Paying for someone to tear apart my basement. Then paying for Jimmy John's cuz what's $10 when you just spent $4k, right?

All you homeowners out there...Get flood insurance. It matters. With luck, I'll make enough from insurance to cover the plans I have in store for my soon-to-be waterproof basement.

Rock me like a Hurrucane

2008-09-12T06:57:00.002-05:00

So, Hurricane Ike is bearing down on the Texas coast. Towards the main energy producing region of our great country.

To residents of the effected areas, this represents turmoil, uncertainty, danger and sadness.

To me, it means I have to work on Sunday. I would much prefer to feel empathy towards the good people of Houston from the comfort of my HDTV, while watching my favorite NFL teams battle for the right to say: "Screw You Mother Nature!!"

Instead I'll be working, blech.

Saturday should be fun, though. Company golf outing...play well, and I can pay off my car. Play poorly, and I get drunk for free. Win-win in my book.

Then off to a bachelor party. I'm not much of a traditional bachelor party guy. Not really into midget strippers, for instance(my own bachelor party notwithstanding). But I do like hanging out with dudes. You chicks should try it some time.

Over under for sack-showing...midnight.

2008-09-08T16:52:00.002-05:00

Good weekend...Didn't do anything.

In college, and shortly thereafter, any weekend spent on my couch was wasted, not to return.
Now, and weekend spent NOT on my couch is wasted never to return.

Of course, with 2 kids, I can't really stay on the couch all day. I would accumulate around 50 pounds of assorted boogers, trucks, balls, and bruises if I let those 2 let loose on me.

Anyway, on saturday, I went out and spent some $$. Blu-Ray player, iPhone, and a new water filter for the fridge. Now I'm very happy.

Long Short Weeks

2008-09-05T15:47:00.002-05:00

Why do the shortest weeks always seem to go on forever?

I would much rather have Friday off than Monday.

I lost my car keys last fall, and found them yesterday...In a pair of pants I've worn and washed 30 times since then. There must be a key gnome in my hamper.

Jack can say about 30 words semi-coherently, and still won't let me hug him.

My new car is awesome. I got angry at the rain yesterday, cuz it drizzled on my interior.

I'm bootless, and loving it. I'm also limping like a peg legged sailor.

2008-09-02T14:46:00.002-05:00

Back from the Bay. Refreshed, recharged and bootless.

Gracie made some quality gains in her swimming ability, and Jack continued his reign as king of "I'm pissed off, so don't mess with me"

All in all a great time was had by all.

I'm a big fan of driving the golf cart through the main town of PIB around 11pm. It's a pretty blue-collar boating/party town, so if you like to see half naked drunks fighting, this is the place.

One Ping Only...

2008-08-25T15:18:00.002-05:00

So, the boot stays on for another week. I was kinda expecting it, so it's not a huge deal. I still showed the scar off to anyone who wanted to see it on Saturday night.

Speaking of Saturday night, I hope the camera where all the pictures are stored never winds up in the wrong hands. I'll never be able to run for president if that happens. More accurately, my nut sack won't be able to. I don't think my face is in any of those pictures.

If someone does happen to find it, I have a pretty good memory of which 'stem' belongs to which improviser, so I should be able to translate for you.

PIB this weekend. Counting the days...

NO WHAMMIES!

2008-08-19T09:19:00.002-05:00

Big day today. Go to the Doc to get the Achilles looked at. If all goes well, I'm hoping to be able to ditch Das Boot for good. Just in time for a certain bachelor party this weekend and some late season golf. Of course, Physical Therapy follows, which isn't great, but it'll be better than my entire summer of non-physical, immobilization therapy.

Plus I would get to show off the brand new zipper scar I got in my ankle. Thankfully, it's on the inside of the foot so it didn't ruin my kick ass Frat Tat.

Expensive weekend

2008-08-18T06:58:00.003-05:00

This is what I bought on Saturday.
It replaces this: This is what I bought on Sunday: It replaces this:

Touristas go home

2008-08-11T11:30:00.002-05:00

We played tourist on Sunday. Millennium Park. It's a neat place. It burns 4 or 5 hours, and it's free. Gotta love it. The kids sure did.

My little hippy loved dancing in the band shell

Jack spent his time working the bean.
And I hobbled around on one foot trying to keep them from getting kidnapped.

Life in the fast lane

2008-08-06T07:08:00.002-05:00

Summer keeps sliding by...

One of the crazy things about living as an adult in the town you grew up is that you tend to see people from your past. High School bullies now belly up to the bar with you. The hot chick from down the block now waits on you at the Breakfast Joint(not so hot anymore, wow). The burnout from shop class is now selling you a new car. Weird stuff like that. Not bad, but certainly different.

I spent all 14 innings of last night's Sox game slugging back tequila with people I promised myself I'd never talk to again.

I'm not old, I'll be 34 next month, but sometimes I feel like such a DAD, dig? I know I'm a dad, and have been for awhile, but sometimes I feel like MY dad. Get it?

I wish I had the writing ability to put how this feels into words, but I don't. Suburbia is weird.

Back in the fold

2008-07-29T10:51:00.002-05:00

Back from the Bay, back at work.

My job is alternately awesome and shit-sucky. I love what I do, I love my company, I get paid well, have good benefits, and a chef that cooks me good food that I don't have to pay for.

But, I take a day off, and all hell breaks loose. And it's not just once in awhile. It's every time I take a day off. The office completely shuts down when I'm not there.

It's great to be needed, but for once, I would like to spend some time with my family without getting work calls at odd hours and weekends.

On the good news front, I'm finally off crutches. I have 7 more weeks in a walking boot, but no longer am I a slave to the almighty crutch. So suck on that crutch gods!

Enough sap

2008-07-23T11:32:00.002-05:00

Back to real time...

This weekend I get to head up to the Bay for some swimming, drinking and general R&R. I can't tell you how nice it is to have a home away from home on a beautiful island. The kids love it, although I have to keep Jack from running off the cliff at the edge of the property.

Other than that, my life is on pause. I still can't walk, Aug 4th is the day I get rid of the crutches, so I can't do anything. Grace and I watch Wipeout and AFV religiously, much to my wife's chagrin.

I've targeted my office Golf Outing on Sept 13th as my triumphant return to activity. So keep your fingers crossed, and I'll keep you posted.

Part III

2008-07-21T12:14:00.000-05:00

part III

We’ve Only Just Begun. Again

Later, after the work, and mess, and stress, they let me hold you. We were alone. Your mother had gone to the recovery room, and I was waiting for the nurse to get you. I had no idea how alert you would be. You stared at me with eyes so blue that in the dim light of the delivery room, they were black. We were alone. This was the most profound moment of my life. Because we were alone. I wept. For all those months of stress, all the years ahead, I wept. For your mom, exhausted and elated, I wept. But, mostly, for me. For all the mistakes. For all the stupidity of my life, I wept. I was still weeping when they took you from me.

I was unprepared for this. I knew that ahead of time. You were in my arms. You were awake. Alert. You just looked at me. And I looked at you. And somehow, in a dimly lit room in a hospital in Chicago, I fell in love with you again. You were aware of me. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. You trusted me. The largest, scariest person you had ever seen, but you were completely at ease.

Now, a few months later, when I think back on your birthday, it’s that image I remember. Me and you. Holding each other. You held my heart that day and haven’t let go yet. Please don’t. I had prepared everyday for almost a year for you. And I still wasn’t ready.

Today you smiled at me when I got home.

Today you smiled at me when I got home. You were happy. Content. And you recognized your daddy. Me. I’m staring at you as I write this. You’re sleeping now. Your tiny hand moving to the beat of a dream that only you will ever know. But soon you will be awake, and you will remember me.

So now, after the pain of birth has become a distant experience, and you settle into life, I sit and watch. Watch your growing curiosity of the world around you. Watch you discover that you have hands and feet. You giggle, you laugh. Your eyes light up when you’re happy. When you’re sad, I see the anguish in your face. You’re a real person now, honey.

We’re four months into this little journey now. Yet, it seems like I’ve loved you forever. I’ve lived a full lifetime in the past year. Sometimes a single year can go by so fast, sometimes so slow. But, as I write this, exactly one year has past since I found out about you. April Fool’s Day.

Each night, as I put you to bed, I tell you how much I love you. A sleepy little girl trying to hold onto the day. Exhausted, yet content, you lay in your crib, and you look up at me with those enormous blue eyes. Eyes, that in the darkness of your room look black. And I remember. I will always remember the day my life changed. Your birthday. The day you grabbed my heart in your little tiny hands and squeezed.

4/1/05

Writing Samples Part II

2008-07-17T13:46:00.001-05:00

Here's number 2 in the installment. Still Gracie based.

THE HOME STRETCH

As of today, you’re just over two pounds. Doctors say that if something happened and you were to be delivered, they may be able to save you. You’re getting stronger. You have hair now. You can see light, and hear distinctive sounds. They say that all this prepares you to not be scared to death when you enter the world.

What prepares me from being scared to death when you enter this world?

The concept of “future” has always been understandably vague to me. It comes. So what? I live in the present. I enjoy life. Why worry about tomorrow? Well…things change, I guess. You changed them. My future right now only goes to December when you arrive. I’ve read so many books. I know how you develop. I know the science. I know that humans develop ass first. I know that it explains a lot about the human race.

But, once you’re finished developing, what happens then? How will you feel about me? I’ve seen parents and children who don’t like each other. I have seen families torn apart over petty things. I write these words now so that at some time in the future, regardless of our relationship, you can read how I feel. I know that these feeling won’t ever change. But, I am not a Great Communicator. I may never be able to say the words that sit on my heart. But at least you’ll be able to read them.

You‘ve become my focus. You‘ve become my future. My past is filled with indiscretions and failure. My future is already guaranteed to be a success. You have made it so. I am beholden to you now. In the past, I answered to no one and apologized for nothing. Now, I’m worried I won’t get the right size diapers.

I’m ready for this. I’m ready for you. I can’t wait to show you the world or at least my small part of it.

I can feel you move now. Small taps from inside your mother’s abdomen. Perhaps it’s some sort of fetal Morse Code. Lying there, with my hand on your mother’s rapidly expanding belly, it drives home everything that’s happening. I’m going to be a father. I already am. And, I’m just starting to realize what all good fathers realize: I can’t protect you from everything. God knows I want to. I want you to see all the best the world has to offer and shelter you from all the worst. I want you to love, be loved, enjoy everything and be happy, without having to see hate or be hated or be unhappy. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. It’s that hate that allows you to love. It’s that unhappiness that shows you how great happiness feels. I feel it now on a level I didn’t think was possible. You will too.

So, we’ve entered the stretch run-- The Third Trimester. If this were a baseball game, it would be the seventh inning. But the outcome of this game has never been in doubt. I have already won.

My parents were younger than I am when I was born, and I was the second child. They showed me the benefits of placing family over the individual. They made me who I am today, and I will do the same for you. We are a family. And the love that flows freely between your mother and I will flow from us to you. It already does.

I’m not sure what the future is going to bring. I don’t know what you are going to need to be the incredible person that I already believe you are. I know that I will do everything in my power to give it to you. It’s you that dominates my thoughts these days, and I don’t expect that to change. I will always be there for you. I am here now. I have such wonderful things to show you.

I’m just a regular guy, and I’m obviously making this up as I go along. But I know this for sure…I love you. Please be safe. Please be healthy. Please be happy. And please, do these things for your entire life.

9-8-04

Writing samples

2008-07-15T08:59:00.002-05:00

This blog isn't exactly public, but isn't private either. I'm just not bothering to announce it. It's more a record keeping device. That being said, I obviously have no problems if people read it.

With that in mind, I've decided to post some of the writings I did for my kids. It'll be nice to have them somewhere I can retrieve them. I'll post the 3 letters for my daughter over the next few days, and Jack's will follow sometime soon, since I don't have them with me and it's too much sap even for me.

So without further ado...Part I

THE ULTRASOUND
I saw you today...for the first time. You were sucking your thumb (like I used to). I saw your heart beat; the tiny valves opened and closed in time with the beats emanating from the speaker. I saw your diaphragm contracting and relaxing as you tested your new lungs on the fluid surrounding you. I saw your tiny leg, with your perfect tiny bones. I should have been looking away in case your sex became apparent, but I couldn’t. I’ll meet you soon, but in the meantime, I’m your dad. I’m the one responsible for the hippy music you hear piped into your perfect holding compartment.

Halfway into pregnancy, I’ve found my thoughts have stopped focusing on all the things that can go wrong with growing a smaller, and hopefully less hairy, version of myself in a little balloon. Rather, I’ve started to dwell on what happens when this “thing” goes according to plan. Who am I kidding? I’m not a father. My father is a father. I’m a son. Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth. Sometimes I knowingly decide not to brush my teeth. Does that sound like a father to you? I didn’t think so. But now my father is your grandfather, and truth be told, he doesn’t seem much like a grandpa to me. But he will to you.

I can’t wait to meet you. I go to bed every night with my hand on your mother’s stomach, hoping you’ll kick. I wake up every morning with dreams of you fading away. I get weepy watching diaper commercials. I’m a complete sap. I used to be masculine, even macho. Now, I guess I’m a father...almost.

I don’t know if you’re my son or my daughter. I don’t care.

I use to want a son -- a perfect version of myself to achieve all the things I couldn’t. But I don’t want to be that guy at a soccer game for five year olds.

I used to want a daughter -- an angelic blessing with your mother’s eyes, who I can pamper and baby forever. But I don’t want you to ever date… at least not guys like me. We’re trouble.

Now I don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl. I want you to be you, however that turns out. I want to watch you make the mistakes I did and some I didn’t, knowing that a better person is on the other side. I want you to be happy. That would make me happy.

I guess my point is that parenting, even at this early stage, is all about fear. There’s the fear that something could go wrong. There’s the fear that I won’t be good enough. There’s the fear that you’ll turn out terribly. And there’s the fear that it will be all my fault. I’ve never taken care of anyone before, including myself. Now, I have nine months to prepare for a lifetime of taking care of you. (Actually, three-plus months…I’ve procrastinated…as usual.) It doesn’t really seem fair, does it?

I’m also learning that parenting is about joy and love and pride and beauty. I am filled with joy whenever I think that in the time it’ll take the Chicago Bears to lose 10 games, I’ll be a father. I fell in love with you the second the stick turned red. I display my pride every time I talk about you. And I’ve seen your picture, and I’ve seen your beauty.

I promise to try and not embarrass you, unless I really am trying to embarrass you. I promise to teach you what I’ve learned, unless I don’t want you to know certain aspects of my history. I promise to understand your music, unless it’s bad. And I promise to go easy on you, unless you need some tough love.

More than anything, I need you to get here safe, healthy and as soon as possible, because you’re killing your mother, but in a good way.

In the meantime…

I have a picture of you now. It’s grainy, small and black and white. It’s not enough. I need to see you, to hold you, to feed you. I want to protect you. I will protect you. I love you already, and you’re not even here yet.

Life changes in a heartbeat. I found that out when I heard yours. Be safe, be happy and be loved. I’ll see you in a few months. For now, I’m content to look at your picture.

7-31-04

Do Italians even play sports?

2008-07-14T11:35:00.003-05:00

Great weekend. Cousin's wedding was held at the Italian American Sports Hall of Fame. Pretty neat place. It was my first time seeing an actual Heisman Trophy, or a real Gold Glove. I couldn't dance, or walk for that matter, but I managed to read the Prayers of the Faithful at the ceremony and at the reception the Scotch was Johnny Walker Black, so that worked out nicely.

Brought the kids to the actual Wedding, which is always great. Jack spent much of it Karate Chopping things and yelling "HI-YA". Grace was typically moved to near-tears to be in the presence of a Princess, which is evidently any woman in a wedding dress.

Stitches come out on Wednesday, then I can at least sit on the side of a pool. Oh, and also shower. Bathing(or filth-laying, as I like to call it) got old the first month, so it'll be nice to actually cleanse myself like an American again.

Picture time

2008-07-11T08:38:00.006-05:00

Here are some of my favorite recent photos. I understand that pictures of my kids are only interesting to me, but I'm posting them anyways.

Here's what my wife and I have begun to call 'Classic Grace', as this is her go-to photo pose. Notice the quietly folded hands and the hurry up fake smile. I sometimes get the feeling that Grace knows more than she lets on. This is one of those time.

As we move on to Jack, you begin to notice the subtle differences between my 2 kids. Same event, nicely dressed. Yet, here' you see the wild hair combed Trump style, chubby cheeks reddened by the exertion of climbing into that chair, and genuine love of trouble making. That's my son. At least he seems happy.

Getting away from the special event photos, we progress to my kids in their more natural environment.

Grace likes Easter, and she's not afraid to show you how much. Make no mistake, arts and crafts are serious business.
And of course, here is Jack in the wild. This is what he looks like 85% of the time.
As jack gets older, I'm continually amazed by how completely different my kids are from each other. Neither is better than the other, just different. I'm still amazed that I have kids sometimes.

Things my daughter has said to me recently.

2008-07-08T14:45:00.003-05:00

Would you swim if you weren't a peg-leg?

The letter C is a magic number.

No one wants to see you without your shirt on.

Weekends are nice

2008-07-07T11:35:00.002-05:00

Great weekend. Wedding in Cleveage on Friday. Small but awesome. Then managed to hit up the beautiful Lake Erie Islands for some much need recuperation time.

My crutch muscles are progressing nicely, so all in all, spirits are high, and so am I. At least metaphorically until this evening.

Current plans for the evening include meeting up with the softball team for beers. I haven't seen them since the incident, so that should be fun. In a make fun of the fat injured guy sort of way.

Today is a 'light in the tunnel' sort of day. My life and summer still suck, but I can see the end. 4 weeks til I walk again!

I'll need to get my wife something special for the abuse she's taking this summer. She deserves a trip to Aruba, but she may have to settle for a Spa Day.

Troy is not my favorite movie

2008-07-02T07:05:00.003-05:00

So, some exiting new news on the Achilles front! Yesterday, I was the last in my family to succumb to the flu. Exciting days in my household. As I crutch my sorry ass to the bathroom and try not to puke on my cast. In the 2 weeks since I got hurt, I've had 2 truly low days. Yesterday was the worst.

But, I'm back today! Feeling a thousand times better and even crutched 4 blocks straight from the train to work. Feeling good if not a bit sweaty. The train conductor had to lower my fat ass down on their handi-lift, so that was a bit embarrassing, but all told, good day so far.

I really don't want this to be a whiny, self loathing blog. I've read enough of those over the past year or so. I'm shooting for triumph of the human spirit type of thing. Only with more painkillers.

How to start

2008-06-30T13:32:00.002-05:00

So, I've been considering this for a long time.

I've always had an easier time writing my thoughts than I have verbalizing them.

Exactly 2 weeks ago I tore my Achilles Tendon. Pain, frustration and hopelessness ensued.
My summer is ruined. My fly fishing trip to Vail and my annual Music Fest trip is gone as well. At least I got refunds.

I can't play with my kids. My wife has to do everything. She's being great about it, but I'm still inadequate as a husband and father.

Such is my mindframe these days. And a blog is born.